Of 1st Anniversary and Self-Preservation

A realization occurred to me just a few minutes ago while taking a yosi break by myself. Usually, I would feel lonely and insecure smoking by myself and thoughts, most of them negative if not downright depressing, would begin racing through my mind driving me nuts. But funny, this time I realized it’s already Sept.4, 2006, five days short of Sept. 9 (duh!). The text message I sent to my friend surprised me even more – I told her that in like 5 days, I’d be having my first anniversary with…myself! (Gasp! But in a surprisingly positive light) In just 5 days I’d have reached a milestone in my life…I’d be single for a year then…the longest I’ve been unattached since my first ever romantic relationship. For those who know me, that’s a really big surprise and for those who care for me, also a really big improvement. You see, I’m known as someone who cannot exist without a partner by my side. I’ve always had a boyfriend which is why my singlehood elicits surprised and sometimes even “yeah right!” types of reactions among people, close to me and otherwise. But yes, I am single and no, I’m not going out with anybody, at least not exclusively. And you know what else? I kinda like it…

Don’t get me wrong. That’s not defense mechanism talking or even a façade I’m trying to build. Even I myself am surprised at this alien feeling. It seems as if finally I’ve learned to value my independence, something I know I’ve always had in me but never showed coz, well, I have always had someone I depend on to do things for me (read: boyfriend). I think it’s more an automatic self-preservation mechanism my mind has that gets activated once I reach a certain point -- a point when I no longer long to have someone by my side all the time. Or maybe it’s a divine prize I get for finally moving on and spending more time with myself. Or maybe it’s just a simple way of fate telling me that I’m destined to do something else, something more important and life-changing that being attached would not make possible. Whatever it may be, I know I’d be ready for it coz now I’ve finally learned to enjoy the ride. (Mae 0904)